May God glorify Himself through this post because it's one of the times where I have a lot to say but don't know how to say it or where to start.
First of all, my faith is so small. It bugs me to no end, because I really don't necessarily FEEL like God is there ALL the time. I can't imagine heaven, and sometimes I don't feel like my prayers are heard. I share the Gospel with people and I think about how crazy it sounds..
I KNOW IT IS TRUE!! I have often thought about how the Israelites built a monument to God to remember how He had delivered them (Joshua 4), and how I could do the same thing..set up a physical reminder of each time I have personally seen answered prayer, or the hand of God unmistakably at work in my life. I have heard God speak to me, I have seen Him do things that could ONLY be Him, and I know that I am a new creation. I am not the same girl AT ALL. I desire the things of God, and that is IMPOSSIBLE to do without the Holy Spirit living inside of me.(2 Corinthians 5:17)Crazy, right? So, I have to go through the process of breaking down WHY I can be so sure about God, and how I know that Jesus is that God, because of the historicity of his life, death, and resurrection, and the lives that were changed by meeting Him back then and the ones that are changed every day all over the world. =)
So I am trying to live by FAITH, small as it is, because I realize that my FEELINGS are not going to steer me in the right direction!! The Bible says that the heart is DECEITFUL(Jeremiah 17:9) and desperately sick. It's true. My heart wants it all to be about ME sometimes, ok, a LOT of the time, and it's just not! Once I put my focus back on Christ, I realize that if I am doing what Matthew 6:33 tells me to do, to SEEK first God's kingdom (i.e. not MY OWN), then everything I need will be mine.
During times of struggle, and what I am fairly certain is spiritual warfare, I get so off kilter because I am focusing on why I am not feeling like I think I should. I don't WANT to read my Bible, I don't WANT to take time out of my day to pour into other women..when in TRUTH these are the very things that give me peace and joy like nothing else can. My feelings contradict what I know with all my heart is truth: the words of the Bible.
Lately I have not been so on fire for the Lord, although He is still doing amazing things all around me. I have to fight not to just stay in bed,or putt around the house until it's time for work (I work evenings much of the time) because sleep feels so amazing and I can take "a break" for a day, which becomes two days, and then a week. I'm wasting time, self-indulgently. I know that's not ok. I just wish I cared more right now. What makes it worse is that I have women around me who look to me as a spiritual leader. I know I am in Christ, I know that I TRULY desire to lead them in paths of righteousness. I just feel like someone zapped my strength..kinda like a dim lightbulb. I do, thankfully, have a great community around me, and I have asked for prayer about this. I am just being plain rebellious to a degree. I don't FEEL like loving on people unless I FEEL like it. I am so stubborn sometimes, but I just need to stay in prayer and in the Word.
We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. (Hebrews 6:12) Help me, Lord.
I know that God will pull me out of this slump, because He always does. He is faithful even when I'm the kid who is supposed to be running the mile who goes and sits down in the grass and pulls out a Twinkie. I know that God will come and sit with me, and love on me until I see that I DO have strength enough to finish. He will be with me each step, each time I feel like I can't go even one more minute. Stopping is not an option. There is nothing for me apart from Christ.
Do you go through patches like this? What has God done to bring you through?