Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Bada Bing, Bada Boom

I was in a car accident on the way to work this morning. It was icy out, but that doesn't explain me running a red light. I guess I saw the turn signal light change to green, and maybe I was daydreaming a bit..but I clipped the back of a black SUV as it was making a left-hand turn.

It took a couple seconds for it to register that I had run the light..at first I was upset because I thought it was his fault..why was he turning? I realized that as I was going through the intersection..my light was red.

This was hard to deal with because I am a pretty cautious driver. I have never before caused a serious accident.. although I had a couple fender benders when I was younger. The feeling of shame was pretty strong as I made a u-turn and pulled up behind the man whose car I had hit. He was standing in the street talking on his

I got out of the car, ready to own up to my responsibility. He looked at me, hung up the phone, and then he asked me if I was okay. I said I was, he said he was fine, and then I asked him if my light had been green. He said no. He looked at the rear of his car and said that it didn't even looked damaged, and he didn't take my information or anything. He had compassion on me, and he was the kindest person I could have ever hoped to hit ( I have to find humor somewhere). My eyes filled with tears and I said "God is good." Maybe he was a Christian, maybe not, but God was speaking his love all over me through the kindness of this man. I drove to work sobbing from gratefulness. It could have been so much worse- and I would have deserved to face the consequences.

I find it non-coincidental that I prayed this from Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" this morning:

"Father, help me to clothe myself with humility towards others, because You oppose the proud but give grace to the humble.(1 Peter 5:5) I will never live a day that I am not in need of Your grace, so please help me maintain an attitude that welcomes it."

Wow did I get shown grace today. It is an awful feeling to know that you have done someone else harm, no matter how unintentional. I cannot explain how it moves me that I was let off the hook, simply because of what was in that man's heart. It is but a small example of the grace God shows me every day..even when I don't think I need it. I think I will be more appreciative of it: more aware of it after this.

I went to the grocery store after being told to take the day off from work, as I looked like I had been puffing the ganja because my eyes were all red from crying. I was still, am still, a little weepy about what happened today. I stopped by Trader Joe's to pick up some stuff for the empty fridge, and while I was checking out the lady at the register asked me how my day was.

"Pretty good", I told her. It was the truth. God's love was so evident that it made a bad situation not so bad. She pushed it and asked me what I was up to today, so I told her about what had happened. She was very sweet and told me how lucky I was. I gave God a little credit. As I was signing the credit card screen, she told me to hold on. I thought it was a little strange that she was leaving the register, but who was I to argue?

She came back with a bouquet of roses and lilies and handed them to me. I almost cried right there in the store. She said she was sorry I had been in an accident.

That's God. I don't deserve kindness, or sympathy, or flowers. I deserve to have higher insurance. I could have hurt someone. God gave me forgiveness. And then he gave me flowers. That's a God I want more of.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Surely God will see me through.

When I feel like I am dealing with garbage being thrown at me from every which way, I can believe that I will be buried in it, or that I will be able to walk away with my head held high.

God is letting me go through this dark time of temptation so that I can choose him. I have a chance to see what it is like to have victory over my flesh! God is growing me. This is an experience that I can draw on in times to come. I have been looking at this situation as if I were already defeated..but I can hold God's hand and come out stronger than ever.

What are you going through right now that you have accepted in your life? You know it's not God's best, but it's "ok for now"? See it for what it is..playing with fire.

God does not want you to settle for mediocre, and he doesn't want half of your devotion or effort. Give Him everything so that he can give you all that he has for you.

I come to you, Father, in repentance, for lusting after what the world has to offer. I ask you to restore me to a place where my heart is aligned with yours, that your dreams may be my dreams, and your boundaries a safe place that I may take comfort in. Teach me to lean wholly on you. I thank you that you discipline those who love you, God. I need your discipline so badly, God. Thank you that you do not leave me to sit comfortably in my sin. I thank you for the unrest that you have caused in me lately. It is physically painful to be separate from you. Thank you for loving me so very much. Help me God, to push through the feelings of loneliness and to see a future that you will cause to prosper if only I will walk in your footsteps. Help me, God, to choose life, and not the ways that lead to death. In the name of the One and Only, my Lord, my love, Jesus. Yeshua.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Blah Blah Blah

I am having a rough week..because I am not letting God be there for me when I am lonely. Ok, so the two of you who have been reading for a while know that I was dealing with strong feelings for this stupid guy at work. Well, we hadn't talked really for about two months, and then when I thought I was over it I started letting him back in..just a little..because I really do care about him having a relationship with God.

We began talking again, but it was hard because at work they always are expecting you to be..well, working. So, I said, (brilliantly) "Next time you feel like buying me coffee we can talk". As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't go. Of course, he said he was free that night and so off we went.

We talked for about an hour and a half, and I felt like it was a good thing that he was thinking about God the way he was. He still was having some issues with the whole "life is so boring when you're a Christian" thing that he experienced when he tried being "religious" a few years ago. He stuck with it for about three years and then went back to drinking, partying, and doing whatever he wanted. He has other issues with giving up the lifestyle he is living, but I feel like he will eventually do it. I hope that he does.

Anyway, blah blah blah on the way back to his house he told me that there was something very attractive about me but he hadn't pursued me because he thought that he would let me down..either I would get to know him and not like him or he would do something to screw things up. I told him that I agreed. He would let me down. He doesn't make good decisions for himself, so how could he treat me right? He especially wouldn't know how a relationship should really be because he doesn't follow God.

I told him that I had had a big crush on him and then I said over and over "ok, I have to go home now. Oh my gosh. I have to go. Ok. Gotta go." It was kind of funny, but I was blushing alot. I told him that there could never be anything between us.

He told me to stop blushing, that we were both adults and that he didn't want this to make things weird between us because he felt that I was the only person he could really be himself around..because I know his bad side and I care anyway, but I know the vulnerable side that he doesn't let many people see. Is that a crock? I don't know.

Soooo...I didn't see him the rest of the weekend because I was off of work, and when I came back on Monday morning, he asked if I wanted to hang out that night. I had to work. He asked me out again on Thursday..not as in a date, but he just wanted to hang out. I said no. I was mad because he asked for Babs'(girl at work in my Bible study) sister's number. Yep, good old fashioned jealousy for a guy I won't let touch me. And I couldn't say anything because I have no reason to get mad.

He came with me to try out a new church last Sunday. It was nice to do that with him..to actually bring him into contact with people who love God (he grew up Catholic, so hasn't had much in the way of a personal relationship). We had a good time, and I really like the church, so that's a bonus. Then we went back to his house where he made me tea and I got to meet his roommate and tried not to cringe every time a curse word came out.

We hung out Monday after work. We went to Barnes and Noble so that he could teach me to play chess, and then this other guy from work called him and said he was on his way to his apartment, so we went back there to meet him. There was nothing terrible going on, but the other guy was really drunk and we started playing spades, and everyone else was drinking. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach the whole time, and I left as soon as I could without being rude. I felt God telling me to get out, and I had trouble sleeping for the whole work week.

I know that this is a well-timed attack..we just started a new Bible study that is going to be amazing, and I am trying my hand at writing a book. My life could be going in an awesome direction. I guess maybe I am overwhelmed, new church, new career possibilities..it just feels as though everything is changing. I am surprised at how easy it would be for me to fall, although I shouldn't be. I have been doing well with this whole no man thing, but before I was a Christian, that was a big issue for me. I always needed a man to make me feel worthwhile. I know that I have to choose between what God is holding out to me and the crap that Satan is offering. I just didn't expect it to suck so much! Wow I am still so sinful! And the stupid thing is I think he is ok with being close friends because he can just hook up with someone else. I have no other men in my life, so it's harder for me to be just friends.

I have been upset because I can't sleep, and it is making me feel a little crazy! Here's my dilemma: I want to be friends with this guy! I want him to know he is cared about! But how do I keep myself from liking him? I am begging God to give me an obedient heart. Please pray for me and for him! I have slept fine since I haven't been at work but I am worried that once I go back I will have issues again so please go to battle for me! I feel as though God has made it plain that this is serious. I will be in trouble if I don't surrender this relationship to him. I need help! I am almost at the point where I feel like I should quit because it is too much for me to deal with. How can I be there for him without crossing the line? Especially cause I kind of want to.

If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for being a valued guest at my pity party. Why can't I just cry to my diary like a normal crazy person? Am I back to the self-destructive behavior that I have battled with before? Do I see something good coming, and tear it down before I can screw it up? Am I asking a lot of rhetorical questions? Alright, Self-Analysis 101 is adjourned for now. Thanks for listening.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Love Song

I finally read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. It talks about letting God romance you, and it says to ask God to show you ways he is loving you, things he wants to show us to convey how very beloved we are. Today I was on iTunes and they have a "genius" feature that shows you artists that you would probably like based on your current music. Dave Barnes was someone I had never heard of, but I listened to one of his songs and I really liked his voice so I went onto MySpace and listened to more of his songs. I heard one that made me cry because it sounded like what God would say, although this artist was not a Christian artist as far as I knew. When I had finished listening, I knew God was showing his love to me throught this beautiful song I chanced upon. Anyway, here's the video.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

I'm Going to Hollywood!

Unfortunately, I'll be going alone.