I am having a rough week..because I am not letting God be there for me when I am lonely. Ok, so the two of you who have been reading for a while know that I was dealing with strong feelings for this stupid guy at work. Well, we hadn't talked really for about two months, and then when I thought I was over it I started letting him back in..just a little..because I really do care about him having a relationship with God.
We began talking again, but it was hard because at work they always are expecting you to be..well, working. So, I said, (brilliantly) "Next time you feel like buying me coffee we can talk". As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't go. Of course, he said he was free that night and so off we went.
We talked for about an hour and a half, and I felt like it was a good thing that he was thinking about God the way he was. He still was having some issues with the whole "life is so boring when you're a Christian" thing that he experienced when he tried being "religious" a few years ago. He stuck with it for about three years and then went back to drinking, partying, and doing whatever he wanted. He has other issues with giving up the lifestyle he is living, but I feel like he will eventually do it. I hope that he does.
Anyway, blah blah blah on the way back to his house he told me that there was something very attractive about me but he hadn't pursued me because he thought that he would let me down..either I would get to know him and not like him or he would do something to screw things up. I told him that I agreed. He would let me down. He doesn't make good decisions for himself, so how could he treat me right? He especially wouldn't know how a relationship should really be because he doesn't follow God.
I told him that I had had a big crush on him and then I said over and over "ok, I have to go home now. Oh my gosh. I have to go. Ok. Gotta go." It was kind of funny, but I was blushing alot. I told him that there could never be anything between us.
He told me to stop blushing, that we were both adults and that he didn't want this to make things weird between us because he felt that I was the only person he could really be himself around..because I know his bad side and I care anyway, but I know the vulnerable side that he doesn't let many people see. Is that a crock? I don't know.
Soooo...I didn't see him the rest of the weekend because I was off of work, and when I came back on Monday morning, he asked if I wanted to hang out that night. I had to work. He asked me out again on Thursday..not as in a date, but he just wanted to hang out. I said no. I was mad because he asked for Babs'(girl at work in my Bible study) sister's number. Yep, good old fashioned jealousy for a guy I won't let touch me. And I couldn't say anything because I have no reason to get mad.
He came with me to try out a new church last Sunday. It was nice to do that with him..to actually bring him into contact with people who love God (he grew up Catholic, so hasn't had much in the way of a personal relationship). We had a good time, and I really like the church, so that's a bonus. Then we went back to his house where he made me tea and I got to meet his roommate and tried not to cringe every time a curse word came out.
We hung out Monday after work. We went to Barnes and Noble so that he could teach me to play chess, and then this other guy from work called him and said he was on his way to his apartment, so we went back there to meet him. There was nothing terrible going on, but the other guy was really drunk and we started playing spades, and everyone else was drinking. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach the whole time, and I left as soon as I could without being rude. I felt God telling me to get out, and I had trouble sleeping for the whole work week.
I know that this is a well-timed attack..we just started a new Bible study that is going to be amazing, and I am trying my hand at writing a book. My life could be going in an awesome direction. I guess maybe I am overwhelmed, new church, new career possibilities..it just feels as though everything is changing. I am surprised at how easy it would be for me to fall, although I shouldn't be. I have been doing well with this whole no man thing, but before I was a Christian, that was a big issue for me. I always needed a man to make me feel worthwhile. I know that I have to choose between what God is holding out to me and the crap that Satan is offering. I just didn't expect it to suck so much! Wow I am still so sinful! And the stupid thing is I think he is ok with being close friends because he can just hook up with someone else. I have no other men in my life, so it's harder for me to be just friends.
I have been upset because I can't sleep, and it is making me feel a little crazy! Here's my dilemma: I want to be friends with this guy! I want him to know he is cared about! But how do I keep myself from liking him? I am begging God to give me an obedient heart. Please pray for me and for him! I have slept fine since I haven't been at work but I am worried that once I go back I will have issues again so please go to battle for me! I feel as though God has made it plain that this is serious. I will be in trouble if I don't surrender this relationship to him. I need help! I am almost at the point where I feel like I should quit because it is too much for me to deal with. How can I be there for him without crossing the line? Especially cause I kind of want to.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for being a valued guest at my pity party. Why can't I just cry to my diary like a normal crazy person? Am I back to the self-destructive behavior that I have battled with before? Do I see something good coming, and tear it down before I can screw it up? Am I asking a lot of rhetorical questions? Alright, Self-Analysis 101 is adjourned for now. Thanks for listening.