Saturday, January 17, 2009

Blah Blah Blah

I am having a rough week..because I am not letting God be there for me when I am lonely. Ok, so the two of you who have been reading for a while know that I was dealing with strong feelings for this stupid guy at work. Well, we hadn't talked really for about two months, and then when I thought I was over it I started letting him back in..just a little..because I really do care about him having a relationship with God.

We began talking again, but it was hard because at work they always are expecting you to be..well, working. So, I said, (brilliantly) "Next time you feel like buying me coffee we can talk". As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't go. Of course, he said he was free that night and so off we went.

We talked for about an hour and a half, and I felt like it was a good thing that he was thinking about God the way he was. He still was having some issues with the whole "life is so boring when you're a Christian" thing that he experienced when he tried being "religious" a few years ago. He stuck with it for about three years and then went back to drinking, partying, and doing whatever he wanted. He has other issues with giving up the lifestyle he is living, but I feel like he will eventually do it. I hope that he does.

Anyway, blah blah blah on the way back to his house he told me that there was something very attractive about me but he hadn't pursued me because he thought that he would let me down..either I would get to know him and not like him or he would do something to screw things up. I told him that I agreed. He would let me down. He doesn't make good decisions for himself, so how could he treat me right? He especially wouldn't know how a relationship should really be because he doesn't follow God.

I told him that I had had a big crush on him and then I said over and over "ok, I have to go home now. Oh my gosh. I have to go. Ok. Gotta go." It was kind of funny, but I was blushing alot. I told him that there could never be anything between us.

He told me to stop blushing, that we were both adults and that he didn't want this to make things weird between us because he felt that I was the only person he could really be himself around..because I know his bad side and I care anyway, but I know the vulnerable side that he doesn't let many people see. Is that a crock? I don't know.

Soooo...I didn't see him the rest of the weekend because I was off of work, and when I came back on Monday morning, he asked if I wanted to hang out that night. I had to work. He asked me out again on Thursday..not as in a date, but he just wanted to hang out. I said no. I was mad because he asked for Babs'(girl at work in my Bible study) sister's number. Yep, good old fashioned jealousy for a guy I won't let touch me. And I couldn't say anything because I have no reason to get mad.

He came with me to try out a new church last Sunday. It was nice to do that with actually bring him into contact with people who love God (he grew up Catholic, so hasn't had much in the way of a personal relationship). We had a good time, and I really like the church, so that's a bonus. Then we went back to his house where he made me tea and I got to meet his roommate and tried not to cringe every time a curse word came out.

We hung out Monday after work. We went to Barnes and Noble so that he could teach me to play chess, and then this other guy from work called him and said he was on his way to his apartment, so we went back there to meet him. There was nothing terrible going on, but the other guy was really drunk and we started playing spades, and everyone else was drinking. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach the whole time, and I left as soon as I could without being rude. I felt God telling me to get out, and I had trouble sleeping for the whole work week.

I know that this is a well-timed attack..we just started a new Bible study that is going to be amazing, and I am trying my hand at writing a book. My life could be going in an awesome direction. I guess maybe I am overwhelmed, new church, new career just feels as though everything is changing. I am surprised at how easy it would be for me to fall, although I shouldn't be. I have been doing well with this whole no man thing, but before I was a Christian, that was a big issue for me. I always needed a man to make me feel worthwhile. I know that I have to choose between what God is holding out to me and the crap that Satan is offering. I just didn't expect it to suck so much! Wow I am still so sinful! And the stupid thing is I think he is ok with being close friends because he can just hook up with someone else. I have no other men in my life, so it's harder for me to be just friends.

I have been upset because I can't sleep, and it is making me feel a little crazy! Here's my dilemma: I want to be friends with this guy! I want him to know he is cared about! But how do I keep myself from liking him? I am begging God to give me an obedient heart. Please pray for me and for him! I have slept fine since I haven't been at work but I am worried that once I go back I will have issues again so please go to battle for me! I feel as though God has made it plain that this is serious. I will be in trouble if I don't surrender this relationship to him. I need help! I am almost at the point where I feel like I should quit because it is too much for me to deal with. How can I be there for him without crossing the line? Especially cause I kind of want to.

If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for being a valued guest at my pity party. Why can't I just cry to my diary like a normal crazy person? Am I back to the self-destructive behavior that I have battled with before? Do I see something good coming, and tear it down before I can screw it up? Am I asking a lot of rhetorical questions? Alright, Self-Analysis 101 is adjourned for now. Thanks for listening.


Kathy S. said...

Hi Hon, I am glad you vented here. "Spilling" helps reveal what is going on...I think you are flirting with temptation. Your post exposes that you are vulnerable in this area' It is not your responsibility to save this guy. The only thing you should do at this point is pray for him and keep an "aquaintance" relationship w/ him. (keep yourself distanced).

What you have going is the common believer's battle...flesh vs. Spirit. Make no provision for the flesh...flee not be yoked with an unbeliever. Like I always tell my kids, "you can be a friend to them, but not with them"

Exactly what you said, God has you on the brink of new things. The enemy wants to distract you. I will be keeping you in prayer. You have the victory~halleluiah!

What is your writing project
about? I am excited to hear.
Hang in there, God will give you the strength!
Love, Kathy

DidiLyn said...

So, there is only one other reader besides me? I doubt that, sister.
Your flesh says " will be can encourage him and even pray for him..."
I am betting that God is saying "Flee."
Father, forgive me if I am wrong.
This is what is is looking and sounding like to this time and from this perspective.
I will pray right now for you. You are so special and dear and honest. I just adore you.

Edie said...

Oh Angela, I bet you already know that I can realate to everything you're saying here way more than I have ever said. Thank you for being so transparent. That's hard to do.

I don't want to say too much in the comments but I will try to find your email addy. I really do know how hard this is, but I also know the consequences of disobedience. God promises to provide a way out of every temptation. Ask Him to show you that way.

Ok, going to find that email addy.

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Angela, first of all, you've got more than two, sweet girl. I remember reading about him.

You've been given some very good advice here. I am sensing in your posts about him that you know that this relationship is not a godly one. You must realize that even though your flesh says one thing, it doesn't make it what God wants for you.

Do not be yoked with an unbeliever. Period. And whatever you do, DO NOT expect that God will change him through you if you go ahead and give yourself to him (in marriage or otherwise) because more often then not, the result I have seen over and over of that kind of thinking is a disheartened wife who always goes to church alone.

If I was a single Christian young woman like you, I would cling to that like a jug of clear water in a hot desert.

Jeremiah said our heart is deceitful above all things. This is the area he was talking about. Don't be fooled. Keep your distance and God will make it obvious who He has picked out for you.

I am speaking from experience. Before I met my husband, I dated a guy that I truly loved when I was unsaved. We dated for 6 years and went through a lot together. I believed that we would be married one day.

After I was saved, I came to understand what the Scriptures say about being unequally yoked. God also impressed upon me that even if he did "come to Christ" so that we could date, it would be done for me and the sake of our relationship, which obviously is not true acceptance.

So I let him go.

Right after that, I met my husband, and we are now very much in *real* love with three little boys and a life to share. Don't short-change yourself, sweetie. If God is saying run, you RUN HARD.

theophilogue said...

Hey Angela ... did you go to Josh's church again this Sunday? If so ... how was it? Did you talk to Josh and tell him you knew me?

Angela said...

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to this! I have a clearer head after being away from this guy for three days, and I just wrote a prayer of surrender to God giving him this relationship, because I know what he has is so much better!I will still need lots of prayer because I know the opposition has more tricks up their sleeve, but I want God more than I want a boyfriend! I love you ladies so much! Your prayers have been helping already.

Jennifer said...

Aww Angela, I just love you! You are genuine. I'm so glad that God has allowed your mind to be somewhat cleared of the fog that was there.

I wish I had some God-given word of wisdom, but I don't. This is actually a struggle of mine too. Man, this flesh versus spirit thing is hard. Then just when you think you have it figured out, Satan hits you even harder in that area.

Just know that I understand where you are coming from and I am praying for YOU!!

Kathy S. said...

Yay! I am glad you have gotten the upper hand! I love the verse (I think it is from 1 john) "greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world."

My son really had a crush on a nice girl (he is 16) but not a born again believer, and he kept "kind of pursuing" her and was becoming miserable! Since he finally decided to relinquish his desire to the Lord he has been free of the emotional turmoil he was experiencing. It is one tough road to stay on...but we have the promise!

Praise God who strengthens you!
I have been praying!

Erin said...

Oh my, I can relate to what you're going through.. although married now, when I first became a Christian I started dating this guy I worked with who did not share my beliefs. Eventually it started to come between us and the relationship ended as quickly as it began. It is hard to separate your feelings and desires of the world with what God wants for your life. I also feel the need to let you know that right before my husband and I got married, he became a believer mostly because of me and not for himself, for almost the past 9 years now our relationship has been a spiritual battle. So, even if I guy does change, make sure it is authentic and real and not because he just wants to please you. Although you don't know me, I am here if you need someone to talk to. Hope it helps just to know that you're not alone in your human struggles. Stay focused, fight temptation and distraction by asking for strength and discernment, and know that God loves you and has so many amazing things in store for your life, if only you turn your thoughts and heart towards Him and away from human temptation. I know it is easier said than done, especially when it involves emotions. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :)

Much love,

Shonda said...

Angela, You've gotten lots of good advice here. I sense you have the answer in your heart. Keep close to the Lord. Press into Him more and more. I pray you have a godly Christian friend (someone from Bible study, singles group, etc) whom you can have as an accountability partner. I'm praying for you. God has mighty plans for you. And don't let the devil steal them from you!!
Engrafted by His Grace-