*For the full story, please read parts one and two*
We were finally talking about it! Oh, my Goodness!! And it wasn't even February yet. God was so good..he knew I would have been on pins and needles the whole time, waiting for this man to get up the nerve to come to me. I waited for his answer; scared, but excited. And it came..
"Well, as long as it is clear to you at least that I am not pursuing you."
Um..WHAT?
Ok, talk about your heart sinking into your shoes. I think mine hit the floor, crashed through the wood, and torpedoed into the couch in the basement. I felt numb, and kind of like I wasn't awake. This couldn't be happening. I forced myself to respond.
This was all via text message. He tried to call me, but my friends had people over so there was no place I could talk, and quite honestly, I didn't want to talk to him. I told him that it had been confusing. He asked what he could do or not do to clarify it. I decided it was now or never, so I told him that I did have feelings for him, that I thought he was an awesome godly man. I said that I wouldn't have chosen to like him ( never really been into younger men, plus he has lots of schooling ahead of him), that I did care for him. I also said that I would be ok because I wanted what God had for me.
He texted back and said that he didn't want to hurt me or mistreat my feelings. That he valued our friendship and wanted us to remain friends, which was why he was NOT pursuing me, because he is a "hard person to get along with". He said that he thinks we make great friends, but that we would not be compatible any other way.
I said "ok".
And I sat in silence on the couch with my best friend and another girl who was visiting. They asked what was going on, but I couldn't talk about it. I told my friend that I needed wine. Then I said, no, I don't want it. But then I changed my mind again. I thought maybe having a glass of wine would help me speak out loud the unspeakable devastation that I was feeling, the feeling of my world being turned upside down. So I had a glass of wine. And then I had three more. I got drunk. But I didn't cry. I honestly didn't mean to drink that much..I was trying to stop up the hole that was growing in my chest, trying to make sense of everything without losing my mind.
This was unthinkable! I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. I went to bed that night, and when I woke up, it was still true. He didn't want me.
I knew I would be okay..as in the fact that life goes on..yada yada yada. But it just didn't make sense. How could everyone we knew see us as a couple? Why was he the only one not on board? How could I have been so wrong about EVERYTHING?
I felt rejected. I felt..shipwrecked..like I had been sailing with a clear destination in mind, but this big storm came, sank my ship, and left me in a place I had never even wanted to visit. And there was no way back.
One thing sustained me.. God had answered my prayer! The very same day I prayed, God answered. So, it was the opposite of what I wanted. The fact remained. God was involved. He heard my prayer, His hand was on the situation.
I had asked God to take it away from me if it was hindering my relationship with HIM, the almighty Creator. And I know that it was. I thought about that man far more than I should have, and it affected everything. I wasn't in the Word as much, my prayer life SUCKED, and I wasn't worshiping God. I was worshiping the idol of a relationship. I couldn't help it. I really couldn't. It was not in me to love God fully when my thoughts were wrapped up in this man, although I tried and I prayed and I cried about it. I asked for strength, but I was never fully surrendered. I held on to the relationship with both hands, and God had to tear it away from me.
I am SO glad he did. Not because I think less of the guy. He is awesome and I love him dearly. But because I CAN'T do anything about it. God has clearly shown that He is in control. This is where I get to see God working. In my brokenness, I rejoice in His sovereignty. This is amazing! There is so much joy in realizing how inadequate I am in running my life..how undependable and treacherous my heart is..and how His faithfulness covers it all. He disciplines those He loves! How grateful am I to be counted among these!!!! I will most likely give an update in my next post, but what I want to leave you with is this..
I am where I want to be. I am drawing closer to God. I know Him better through this. He is good. I can trust Him. It is one thing to say with your mouth that you trust God. It is easy to say when things look great. But when they suck, when they are all going wrong, it is pure joy to be able to praise God!
I am being refined.
I am being made more into the likeness of Christ.
This is my heart's greatest desire.
It hurts.
33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.
Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?
Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Scary Prayers, part two
*Please read the previous post below for part one of this story*
So.. January 31. I was praying about HIM again. This time it wasn't, God, please be first in my affections, but let me love him too. I knew that once February rolled around, I wouldn't be able to think about anything else, so I asked God to give him boldness to speak to me about "us", this secret word I had been treasuring in my heart for the past six or seven months. I had been good. During the time he had dedicated to the Lord, I did the best I could not to spend time alone with him. I had girls praying for both of us to have integrity and to put our relationships with God before any earthly relationship. But I will admit, that when his Facebook profile picture was of the two of us on a mountain with him reading to me out of the Bible, it thrilled me. When I found out that one of the elders at the church (his MENTOR, to whom he TALKED) had high hopes of us getting together, I knew I was golden. But I didn't let on to him. I'm sure he knew on some level, but we were just friends. Y'all, we have the SAME COUCH. I couldn't believe that it was all finally about to come together.
So, ok, I was praying. I prayed for him to talk to me about it, and I also prayed for God to take this relationship from me if it was detrimental to OUR relationship. Because, you know, God first. I didn't want a man at the expense of my relationship with God.
That night, he texted me. We texted back and forth for about an hour, and then, I said something that he took the wrong way. He said it sounded like something you would say to someone you were dating. I definitely didn't mean it in that context. He then said that maybe he was overreacting, it's just that someone from our church had asked him earlier in the week if he was pursuing me.
My heart stopped. Ok, maybe not, but I got really nervous. It was go time. So I wrote back, "People have asked me about you as well."
TO FIND OUT WHAT HE SAID NEXT, STAY TUNED..NEW POST COMING SOON!
Romans 11:33-36 (The Message)
33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.
Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?
Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
So.. January 31. I was praying about HIM again. This time it wasn't, God, please be first in my affections, but let me love him too. I knew that once February rolled around, I wouldn't be able to think about anything else, so I asked God to give him boldness to speak to me about "us", this secret word I had been treasuring in my heart for the past six or seven months. I had been good. During the time he had dedicated to the Lord, I did the best I could not to spend time alone with him. I had girls praying for both of us to have integrity and to put our relationships with God before any earthly relationship. But I will admit, that when his Facebook profile picture was of the two of us on a mountain with him reading to me out of the Bible, it thrilled me. When I found out that one of the elders at the church (his MENTOR, to whom he TALKED) had high hopes of us getting together, I knew I was golden. But I didn't let on to him. I'm sure he knew on some level, but we were just friends. Y'all, we have the SAME COUCH. I couldn't believe that it was all finally about to come together.
So, ok, I was praying. I prayed for him to talk to me about it, and I also prayed for God to take this relationship from me if it was detrimental to OUR relationship. Because, you know, God first. I didn't want a man at the expense of my relationship with God.
That night, he texted me. We texted back and forth for about an hour, and then, I said something that he took the wrong way. He said it sounded like something you would say to someone you were dating. I definitely didn't mean it in that context. He then said that maybe he was overreacting, it's just that someone from our church had asked him earlier in the week if he was pursuing me.
My heart stopped. Ok, maybe not, but I got really nervous. It was go time. So I wrote back, "People have asked me about you as well."
TO FIND OUT WHAT HE SAID NEXT, STAY TUNED..NEW POST COMING SOON!
Romans 11:33-36 (The Message)
33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.
Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?
Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Scary Prayers, part one
Have you ever prayed a scary prayer? One that put your heart's desires and your sense of security at risk? On the last day of January I prayed such a prayer.
So I have been keeping it on the DL, but I have fallen hard for a man at church. Only my closest friends know (and they know EVERYTHING) that for the past 7 months or so this man has been on my mind and gradually earned a place as one of my dear friends.
Here's the catch (and with me there usually IS one)..he had taken a vow of NO DATING for an entire year. We started hanging out in May, I believe, and since early June my feelings for him have been growing. He is a Godly man, devoted to a life's pursuit of the Lord Jesus Christ. He has a missional heart, and I respect so much about him. He is also pre-med at a local university. He may or may not be four years younger than I am.
I knew he was unavailable until February of 2010, so this gave me the opportunity (forced me) to just be his friend. We have hung out so many times in the past 6 months, and the more I got to know him, the more I decided that he was "The One". There are certain aspects of his character I have been praying for God to mature, but all in all I could see us being a great team for God..we both want the same essential things in life, and though we argue like little kids at times, I knew with hard work and God at the center, that a relationship between us could work.
The only thing that kept nagging me was the fact that I thought about him SO much. I would be trying to pray, and I would start daydreaming about something he said to me (or the motorcycle ride we took in the country). I prayed and prayed for God to be first in my affections and my thought life, but it wasn't happening. Since I saw God moving in our relationship,(through answered prayer and different affirmations), I didn't crack down on it like I should have.
I confided in close, Godly women for help and advice. My friends told me to continue to pray about it, to be his friend, but not to get my hopes up. He showed interest, but I definitely read into things as well. I am a typical woman who likes to analyze EVERYTHING. We hung out almost every weekend (in groups).Eventually people started to ask me where he was when he wasn't at a function, and several people have asked if we were interested in each other (ok, more than several..like everyone who knows us). This really confirmed things for me. As his time grew closer that he would be able to date again, I was nervous, but I was also confident. He has said things to me that you don't say to "just a friend". He asked me to go to the movies (he had already seen the movie, and he forgot to invite anyone else). The way he looked at me sometimes..There were definite times when I felt him pulling away, but as a man who was supposed to be focusing solely on God, I knew he was just keeping himself in check. Even my friends were less guarded with their encouragement. I was getting excited, reading books on relationships and praying for God to bring us together.
So, back to the scary prayer part. As I said before, one thing had nagged me throughout this whole process. While I feel more ready for a healthy (finally) relationship( and I really do..I feel I have really realistic views of what love is now more so than I ever have before), I still spent the majority of my time thinking about him. So on January 31, I prayed a scary prayer. I asked God to give him boldness to speak to me about our relationship, and I also told God that if this relationship was hindering my relationship with HIM (God) that I needed him to take it away from me.
God answered. I will tell you how next time.. dunh dunh dunh
So I have been keeping it on the DL, but I have fallen hard for a man at church. Only my closest friends know (and they know EVERYTHING) that for the past 7 months or so this man has been on my mind and gradually earned a place as one of my dear friends.
Here's the catch (and with me there usually IS one)..he had taken a vow of NO DATING for an entire year. We started hanging out in May, I believe, and since early June my feelings for him have been growing. He is a Godly man, devoted to a life's pursuit of the Lord Jesus Christ. He has a missional heart, and I respect so much about him. He is also pre-med at a local university. He may or may not be four years younger than I am.
I knew he was unavailable until February of 2010, so this gave me the opportunity (forced me) to just be his friend. We have hung out so many times in the past 6 months, and the more I got to know him, the more I decided that he was "The One". There are certain aspects of his character I have been praying for God to mature, but all in all I could see us being a great team for God..we both want the same essential things in life, and though we argue like little kids at times, I knew with hard work and God at the center, that a relationship between us could work.
The only thing that kept nagging me was the fact that I thought about him SO much. I would be trying to pray, and I would start daydreaming about something he said to me (or the motorcycle ride we took in the country). I prayed and prayed for God to be first in my affections and my thought life, but it wasn't happening. Since I saw God moving in our relationship,(through answered prayer and different affirmations), I didn't crack down on it like I should have.
I confided in close, Godly women for help and advice. My friends told me to continue to pray about it, to be his friend, but not to get my hopes up. He showed interest, but I definitely read into things as well. I am a typical woman who likes to analyze EVERYTHING. We hung out almost every weekend (in groups).Eventually people started to ask me where he was when he wasn't at a function, and several people have asked if we were interested in each other (ok, more than several..like everyone who knows us). This really confirmed things for me. As his time grew closer that he would be able to date again, I was nervous, but I was also confident. He has said things to me that you don't say to "just a friend". He asked me to go to the movies (he had already seen the movie, and he forgot to invite anyone else). The way he looked at me sometimes..There were definite times when I felt him pulling away, but as a man who was supposed to be focusing solely on God, I knew he was just keeping himself in check. Even my friends were less guarded with their encouragement. I was getting excited, reading books on relationships and praying for God to bring us together.
So, back to the scary prayer part. As I said before, one thing had nagged me throughout this whole process. While I feel more ready for a healthy (finally) relationship( and I really do..I feel I have really realistic views of what love is now more so than I ever have before), I still spent the majority of my time thinking about him. So on January 31, I prayed a scary prayer. I asked God to give him boldness to speak to me about our relationship, and I also told God that if this relationship was hindering my relationship with HIM (God) that I needed him to take it away from me.
God answered. I will tell you how next time.. dunh dunh dunh
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