Have you ever prayed a scary prayer? One that put your heart's desires and your sense of security at risk? On the last day of January I prayed such a prayer.
So I have been keeping it on the DL, but I have fallen hard for a man at church. Only my closest friends know (and they know EVERYTHING) that for the past 7 months or so this man has been on my mind and gradually earned a place as one of my dear friends.
Here's the catch (and with me there usually IS one)..he had taken a vow of NO DATING for an entire year. We started hanging out in May, I believe, and since early June my feelings for him have been growing. He is a Godly man, devoted to a life's pursuit of the Lord Jesus Christ. He has a missional heart, and I respect so much about him. He is also pre-med at a local university. He may or may not be four years younger than I am.
I knew he was unavailable until February of 2010, so this gave me the opportunity (forced me) to just be his friend. We have hung out so many times in the past 6 months, and the more I got to know him, the more I decided that he was "The One". There are certain aspects of his character I have been praying for God to mature, but all in all I could see us being a great team for God..we both want the same essential things in life, and though we argue like little kids at times, I knew with hard work and God at the center, that a relationship between us could work.
The only thing that kept nagging me was the fact that I thought about him SO much. I would be trying to pray, and I would start daydreaming about something he said to me (or the motorcycle ride we took in the country). I prayed and prayed for God to be first in my affections and my thought life, but it wasn't happening. Since I saw God moving in our relationship,(through answered prayer and different affirmations), I didn't crack down on it like I should have.
I confided in close, Godly women for help and advice. My friends told me to continue to pray about it, to be his friend, but not to get my hopes up. He showed interest, but I definitely read into things as well. I am a typical woman who likes to analyze EVERYTHING. We hung out almost every weekend (in groups).Eventually people started to ask me where he was when he wasn't at a function, and several people have asked if we were interested in each other (ok, more than several..like everyone who knows us). This really confirmed things for me. As his time grew closer that he would be able to date again, I was nervous, but I was also confident. He has said things to me that you don't say to "just a friend". He asked me to go to the movies (he had already seen the movie, and he forgot to invite anyone else). The way he looked at me sometimes..There were definite times when I felt him pulling away, but as a man who was supposed to be focusing solely on God, I knew he was just keeping himself in check. Even my friends were less guarded with their encouragement. I was getting excited, reading books on relationships and praying for God to bring us together.
So, back to the scary prayer part. As I said before, one thing had nagged me throughout this whole process. While I feel more ready for a healthy (finally) relationship( and I really do..I feel I have really realistic views of what love is now more so than I ever have before), I still spent the majority of my time thinking about him. So on January 31, I prayed a scary prayer. I asked God to give him boldness to speak to me about our relationship, and I also told God that if this relationship was hindering my relationship with HIM (God) that I needed him to take it away from me.
God answered. I will tell you how next time.. dunh dunh dunh