*For the full story, please read parts one and two*
We were finally talking about it! Oh, my Goodness!! And it wasn't even February yet. God was so good..he knew I would have been on pins and needles the whole time, waiting for this man to get up the nerve to come to me. I waited for his answer; scared, but excited. And it came..
"Well, as long as it is clear to you at least that I am not pursuing you."
Ok, talk about your heart sinking into your shoes. I think mine hit the floor, crashed through the wood, and torpedoed into the couch in the basement. I felt numb, and kind of like I wasn't awake. This couldn't be happening. I forced myself to respond.
This was all via text message. He tried to call me, but my friends had people over so there was no place I could talk, and quite honestly, I didn't want to talk to him. I told him that it had been confusing. He asked what he could do or not do to clarify it. I decided it was now or never, so I told him that I did have feelings for him, that I thought he was an awesome godly man. I said that I wouldn't have chosen to like him ( never really been into younger men, plus he has lots of schooling ahead of him), that I did care for him. I also said that I would be ok because I wanted what God had for me.
He texted back and said that he didn't want to hurt me or mistreat my feelings. That he valued our friendship and wanted us to remain friends, which was why he was NOT pursuing me, because he is a "hard person to get along with". He said that he thinks we make great friends, but that we would not be compatible any other way.
I said "ok".
And I sat in silence on the couch with my best friend and another girl who was visiting. They asked what was going on, but I couldn't talk about it. I told my friend that I needed wine. Then I said, no, I don't want it. But then I changed my mind again. I thought maybe having a glass of wine would help me speak out loud the unspeakable devastation that I was feeling, the feeling of my world being turned upside down. So I had a glass of wine. And then I had three more. I got drunk. But I didn't cry. I honestly didn't mean to drink that much..I was trying to stop up the hole that was growing in my chest, trying to make sense of everything without losing my mind.
This was unthinkable! I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. I went to bed that night, and when I woke up, it was still true. He didn't want me.
I knew I would be okay..as in the fact that life goes on..yada yada yada. But it just didn't make sense. How could everyone we knew see us as a couple? Why was he the only one not on board? How could I have been so wrong about EVERYTHING?
I felt rejected. I felt..shipwrecked..like I had been sailing with a clear destination in mind, but this big storm came, sank my ship, and left me in a place I had never even wanted to visit. And there was no way back.
One thing sustained me.. God had answered my prayer! The very same day I prayed, God answered. So, it was the opposite of what I wanted. The fact remained. God was involved. He heard my prayer, His hand was on the situation.
I had asked God to take it away from me if it was hindering my relationship with HIM, the almighty Creator. And I know that it was. I thought about that man far more than I should have, and it affected everything. I wasn't in the Word as much, my prayer life SUCKED, and I wasn't worshiping God. I was worshiping the idol of a relationship. I couldn't help it. I really couldn't. It was not in me to love God fully when my thoughts were wrapped up in this man, although I tried and I prayed and I cried about it. I asked for strength, but I was never fully surrendered. I held on to the relationship with both hands, and God had to tear it away from me.
I am SO glad he did. Not because I think less of the guy. He is awesome and I love him dearly. But because I CAN'T do anything about it. God has clearly shown that He is in control. This is where I get to see God working. In my brokenness, I rejoice in His sovereignty. This is amazing! There is so much joy in realizing how inadequate I am in running my life..how undependable and treacherous my heart is..and how His faithfulness covers it all. He disciplines those He loves! How grateful am I to be counted among these!!!! I will most likely give an update in my next post, but what I want to leave you with is this..
I am where I want to be. I am drawing closer to God. I know Him better through this. He is good. I can trust Him. It is one thing to say with your mouth that you trust God. It is easy to say when things look great. But when they suck, when they are all going wrong, it is pure joy to be able to praise God!
I am being refined.
I am being made more into the likeness of Christ.
This is my heart's greatest desire.
33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.
Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?
Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.