Friday, February 12, 2010

Scary Prayers, part three

*For the full story, please read parts one and two*

We were finally talking about it! Oh, my Goodness!! And it wasn't even February yet. God was so good..he knew I would have been on pins and needles the whole time, waiting for this man to get up the nerve to come to me. I waited for his answer; scared, but excited. And it came..

"Well, as long as it is clear to you at least that I am not pursuing you."


Ok, talk about your heart sinking into your shoes. I think mine hit the floor, crashed through the wood, and torpedoed into the couch in the basement. I felt numb, and kind of like I wasn't awake. This couldn't be happening. I forced myself to respond.

This was all via text message. He tried to call me, but my friends had people over so there was no place I could talk, and quite honestly, I didn't want to talk to him. I told him that it had been confusing. He asked what he could do or not do to clarify it. I decided it was now or never, so I told him that I did have feelings for him, that I thought he was an awesome godly man. I said that I wouldn't have chosen to like him ( never really been into younger men, plus he has lots of schooling ahead of him), that I did care for him. I also said that I would be ok because I wanted what God had for me.

He texted back and said that he didn't want to hurt me or mistreat my feelings. That he valued our friendship and wanted us to remain friends, which was why he was NOT pursuing me, because he is a "hard person to get along with". He said that he thinks we make great friends, but that we would not be compatible any other way.

I said "ok".

And I sat in silence on the couch with my best friend and another girl who was visiting. They asked what was going on, but I couldn't talk about it. I told my friend that I needed wine. Then I said, no, I don't want it. But then I changed my mind again. I thought maybe having a glass of wine would help me speak out loud the unspeakable devastation that I was feeling, the feeling of my world being turned upside down. So I had a glass of wine. And then I had three more. I got drunk. But I didn't cry. I honestly didn't mean to drink that much..I was trying to stop up the hole that was growing in my chest, trying to make sense of everything without losing my mind.

This was unthinkable! I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. I went to bed that night, and when I woke up, it was still true. He didn't want me.

I knew I would be in the fact that life goes on..yada yada yada. But it just didn't make sense. How could everyone we knew see us as a couple? Why was he the only one not on board? How could I have been so wrong about EVERYTHING?

I felt rejected. I I had been sailing with a clear destination in mind, but this big storm came, sank my ship, and left me in a place I had never even wanted to visit. And there was no way back.

One thing sustained me.. God had answered my prayer! The very same day I prayed, God answered. So, it was the opposite of what I wanted. The fact remained. God was involved. He heard my prayer, His hand was on the situation.

I had asked God to take it away from me if it was hindering my relationship with HIM, the almighty Creator. And I know that it was. I thought about that man far more than I should have, and it affected everything. I wasn't in the Word as much, my prayer life SUCKED, and I wasn't worshiping God. I was worshiping the idol of a relationship. I couldn't help it. I really couldn't. It was not in me to love God fully when my thoughts were wrapped up in this man, although I tried and I prayed and I cried about it. I asked for strength, but I was never fully surrendered. I held on to the relationship with both hands, and God had to tear it away from me.

I am SO glad he did. Not because I think less of the guy. He is awesome and I love him dearly. But because I CAN'T do anything about it. God has clearly shown that He is in control. This is where I get to see God working. In my brokenness, I rejoice in His sovereignty. This is amazing! There is so much joy in realizing how inadequate I am in running my undependable and treacherous my heart is..and how His faithfulness covers it all. He disciplines those He loves! How grateful am I to be counted among these!!!! I will most likely give an update in my next post, but what I want to leave you with is this..

I am where I want to be. I am drawing closer to God. I know Him better through this. He is good. I can trust Him. It is one thing to say with your mouth that you trust God. It is easy to say when things look great. But when they suck, when they are all going wrong, it is pure joy to be able to praise God!

I am being refined.

I am being made more into the likeness of Christ.

This is my heart's greatest desire.

It hurts.

33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It's way over our heads. We'll never figure it out.

Is there anyone around who can explain God?
Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
that God has to ask his advice?

Everything comes from him;
Everything happens through him;
Everything ends up in him.
Always glory! Always praise!
Yes. Yes. Yes.


Jennifer said...

Angela, that breaks my heart b/c I know that feeling. But I am SO proud of you. You are right in everything you said. God is good in "the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly". He will restore your brokeness and patch the pieces of your heart together. Then you will be more Christ-like because of it. I'm standing in the gap for you tonight. Let Him heal that heart! Love you!

Penn Tomassetti said...

I know how you feel.

And you are absolutely right, God is faithful. Keep trusting, no matter what.

"For the Lord will not reject forever, for if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness."
(Lamentations 3:31-32 NASB).

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

See? I told you that you are amazing. Your faith in Him and your heart to stay true to Him are shining through, once again.

He brought you to my mind this morning while I was talking with Him, so I lifted you up to Him today. Hang onto Him. He's on your side, and He's for your good...and His glory at the same time! He will see you through.

Angela said...

Thank you Jennifer!
Thank you Penn!
Thank you Chel!

You all encourage me so much..your love of the gospel is evident in your writing and I am so glad to "know" you. It blows my mind that God would bring such dear people into my life! Love you guys!

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry, Angela. This feeling is familiar to me, so I know just how to pray for you, and I will.

Remember, "No good thing does He withhold for those that walk uprightly." He has something better, and has a good purpose even in this pain. Love you.

Edie said...

I know right where you're at. Part of me is broken with you and another part is rejoicing with you.

"When the darkness closes in LORD, still I will say...
Blessed be the Name of the LORD. Blessed be His Glorious Name."

He has good things waiting for you Angela.

Penn Tomassetti said...

you may already know these things, but during a time when you are feeling pretty let down, I hope to be able to offer a few suggestions (from my own experience) to help you recover quickly:
1) keep reading the Bible and praying over everything you read;
2) reach out to other people in your life who need a friend and spend time with them;
3) every time you think of how so and so did you wrong, consciously forgive him completely because of how God has forgiven you through Jesus Christ.

Making an effort to practice these simple things made a huge difference in my life.

So did reading Lamentations chapter 3 and Proverbs :)

May God's peace be with you, friend!

Angela said...

Stephanie and Edie: Thank you for being such beautiful women of God! Thanks for your prayers, love and encouragement! It is so funny, but every verse listed in these comments have been being brought to me over and over in this time through different people or through my own reading.

Penn: You are right on time with this comment. ALthough I am loving this time to fall completely in love with Jesus Christ, right before I read this I was rehashing ways that I felt lead on in this relationship, because although I know he had good intentions and that he cares for me, I feel that he let me down as my brother. Thank you, thank you for the reminder and the suggestions! God is so good!

Kathy S. said...

Oh Angela,
Amazing how our hearts can be easily roped by dead-end dreams...Was you have a mentor? Were you able to confide in someone to pray you through this season? It seems that we are so vulnerable to those things that entangle when we are going it on our own. Just wondering.

I just walked through a journey with my 27 yr young friend. The man said "there is no spark" then went to Afghanistan w/ the AF. I prayed with her, & for them while he was gone believing he was the one.

She was able to put him on the altar during the time he was gone. She still loved him deeply and anticipated seeing him again. But when he was gone the Lord worked in her heart and she was able to release her hopes to the Lord. By the time he got back, she was ready for the "no" if that was God's will.

When he came back in Oct, he was quiet, things had been tough. One day he asked her out for coffee, had been talking to a Pastor about her, and the Lord just MOVED in his heart!

They got engaged in Dec and will be married in April!

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

God bless you as you grow in Him and trust in Him. He will. Give you your heart's desires!

Angela said...

I do have a woman from church that I meet with weekly (although she is younger than me she is on staff at the church and she is amazingly in love with Jesus) and I have had my inner circle of girls praying and counseling me through the whole thing. It has been awesome to have such a great support system in place. Your friend's story is amazing. I know God CAN work like that, but He only will if this is the man he has for me, and right now the answer is no. So, I am just going to fall more in love with the Lord and not think about ANY men for a while =). I know that if I am following hard after God he will do amazing things in me, through me, and around me. I am excited to see what that looks like.

DidiLyn said...

Angela, it was a joy to read of your struggles...I hope you take that the way I mean it. I am so encouraged reading about how you view how God works, and what (who!) is most important in your life, NO MATTER WHAT.
You rock!!!

Kathy S. said...

You go girl! Headed toward God is always in the right direction!! I am glad you are surrounded with strength and wisdom!!

My friend went through something similar to your story before finding "the one" also!! God has prepared her for now! Just as He is preparing you!!!!

Love ya!

Angela said...

Didi! I miss you! You need to write something PRONTO!(don't know why I used that word, but I guess it can stay)! It is all God. Left to my own would be bad. Anyway, it is good to hear from you!

Thank you again. Love you granny! =)