Friday, October 24, 2008

Some ramblings

Have you ever been so afraid of failing that you don't even try? I sit waiting for the "big adventure" to begin, but I basically go to work and come home Mon-Thursday with the exception of Bible study Tues. nights..and on the weekends I go to church, which is fun, but two hours don't really make a weekend.

I think part of it is that I don't have extra money for too much fun stuff..and my closest friends are married with newborns so they, while still totally wonderful, have their hands full of poop and breastmilk. And babies. We three have weekly Friday lunches, which have always been fun, but the conversation has declined by leaps and bounds as they have been pregnant, and now new moms. It's amazing, pregnancy, but also can be a little..well, I'm falling asleep just remembering the topics that have taken over our trialogue(?). I guess it's a balancing act to be friends with people who are in completely different phases of life. I mean, I wouldn't give up waitressing for the world, so I'm not feeling like a late bloomer or anything. Not at all. Not. At. All. I just am having a hard time doing fun and wonderful things with my own broke free time. And there aren't too many Christians at work..I know, great mission field..although we just hired a guy named Missy who might just be my new b.f.f.

I want my life to be effective and exciting, but I have to unSTICK myself from my humdrummedness. I did meet a guy at church, but he has a silent "t" at the end of his name and he's a little older than I thought he was. I think I may just stay single. And change my phone number.

Seriously, though, I feel the need for change, but guess what scares me? Change. So how do I push through to the abundant life that is mine to claim by the grace of God?
These here are growing pains. Have any of you gone through this? One example of an issue I am facing is that I have to sign another lease on my apartment, which I LOVE, but doing that means staying at my job for another year, and trying to make ends meet month to month. I know that I am living beyond my means but to step out into something unknown, and to go through the hassle of moving seems horrible. I also waited to long to look for another place, and if I don't resign they will put me at month to month for a higher rent, until I give them 60 day notice. I have been praying for clear direction in this area, but I have to sign or not sign soon, probably by tomorrow. So, I may need to work more hours or find ways to cut back so that I can get out of my credit card debt. I know that God won't abandon me, but I definitely want the life HE has for me, and this isn't it. I want to do more, see more, be less and let him be more. I pretty much want to be in some form of ministry, and I want a family and more friends. I know that I need to hold what I have with open hands to God, and let him take what I don't need. I know he will replace it with things far better. But you know the death grip that, well, dead people have? I may love God, but wow, if I had to give up my computer or my perfectly laid-out kitchen, I somehow have it in my head that life would completely suck. Sometimes I just need someone to shake me.


Edie said...

Wow Angela, I feel like I'm reading out of my own journal. Everything you said here is exactly what I have said in the last year, well, with the exception of poop and breastmilk. LOL.

Seriously, God is taking me down this same path. It began when I decided to step off the cliff. :) Of course I was convinced that He was telling me it was time but I still had to step off the cliff.

You might like Lysa Terkeurst's books, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith, and What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. Did I say might? Let me rephrase that. You will LOVE those books. They will help you in this.

I'm always here for you too my friend. It really is too bad we don't live closer. Funny, you're about my daughter's age, but we have a heart in common.

Love ya!

My word quiz word is scham. It's not a scham! lol

Courtney said...

Life is very ahrd especially when we are dealing with the unknown. Turst that you will be lead in the righ tdirection and if you stumble along the way you will get up and head down the right path.

theophilogue said...


Your writing is so raw (i mean that as a compliment). It's so real. I so relate with it, and feel as if I can feel your pain (even though I don't know what your going through).

I have actually gone through similar things. I know what its like to be always fighting depression, feeling like your just barely getting by ... lonely ... confused ... looking to God ... waiting in the dark ...

I don't have any advice or platitudes ... I just wanted you to know I appreciate your writing, and I relate.


Jennifer said...

Hi Angela! 1) Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. It was much needed and very encouraging! 2) I felt the way you do this past summer. My best friend had just got married the day before I left for summer missions. Then I was thrown into a town where I knew no one working with teenagers. Being past a teenager and no where near marriage felt like the weirdest place in the world. I don't know maybe this doesn't relate, but that was what I thought of when I read this blog!!
I love you and continue to pray for you!!

Angela said...

Edie-I own and love both books. I read "walk in faith" a couple years ago and I am currently going through "living life on purpose" which is a great study also by Lysa. I really wish you and I lived closer, too. I don't think I understand the word quiz.
Courtney- Thanks for your encouragement. I am glad you stop by! Nice to meet you.
B- Thank you. I enjoy your writing, too, although much of it is way over my head..I understand basic doctrine-I have heard of Calvinism and Arminianism- but many of the theological arguments and debates just seem..legalistic in a way. Maybe you can explain it to me in layman's terms.I have no idea what the Emergent church is. Anyway, I am glad someone relates to me! I think you and I come from a similar background. Before you became Mr. Smarty Pants.
Jennifer- Thanks for your prayers, I am so glad that we are blog friends. It is awesome to have people speak truth to you when you are surrounded with uncertainty and fear. I will be praying for you, too.

jeleasure said...

Hey Angela,
Am I late on the advice for tomorrow? I was not going to give you any. I do hope you are happy with your decission.
Now, I will tell you that I have gone throgh something like what you are going through. When Vicki and I were married, I did not have any children and she had grown children. All of the guys I was familiar with in church were fathers, so nothing to discuss there.
Vicki and I went to see if you were at work. We met Jen C/Y who says you are very sweet.
We are up for another desert or dinner if you are. Are treat.
And,finally, I do know one very nice, single Christian guy at my church who has no children. Want to have dinner with the three of us? You don't have to answer over the internet. Email Vicki. Our friends name is Chad.
Or, I could introduce you to one of my non-Christian friends whom you would have to desciple before you date them. That is a joke.

Angela said...

I am not big on being set up. It's awkward, and I don't really have trouble in the man department, I am just waiting on the right one! That's neat you saw Jenn, I love her! I did end up signing another lease. Sorry I missed you all.

jeleasure said...

I won't be pushy.
But, what about the three of us (Yourself, Vicki and me) going to dinner?

DidiLyn said...

I was just stopping by to say hey there.
I know. Why don't you really shake thinks up and move here? The left coast? Wouldn't that be all weird and freaky-like?
Even though it is an out of left-field (get it?) idea, you can ponder it and use it to shake up your life. And I'm serious if you are. Because I am weird like that.

Mariel said...

you are precious,dear one! I am praying for the Lord to reveal His perfect plan for you!

theophilogue said...

Ok ... you so just made me laugh out loud ("Mr. Smarty Pants" ... HA!!!)

Sorry my stuff is over your head. :( It's OK that you don't understand it. You don't really need to understand it anyway. Maybe you would relate more to the posts I put on my myspace page:

I think your right about our having a similar background. Cool how God saves so many people from so many things huh?

Vicki said...

Hi Angela,
That husband of mine! He is so helpful that he is kinda funny. The guy he mentioned is not available - in a relationship.

I am not really interested in setting you up with anyone. But I am interested in having a friendship with a sister in Christ. If you would be interested, J and I would love to meet you again for church and dinner, or something else.

I'm not worried about your life. Keep focused on Jesus and all is well today and tomorrow.


Pinkshoelady said...

Hey Girl!
I am praying for you. I have been where you are and deeper! Keep trusting and serving because He will provide.

The first time I left home I moved 3,000 miles away to only a garenteed $50 a month. Even in 1987 that wasn't enough. But I'm here to tell you I never wanted for any provision. I decided instead of giving God a tenth I would give it all to Him. After all it actually really all belonged to Him anyway. One thing this thinking did for me though was that it increased my faith by leaps! Whenever my car needed a repait my prayer would be, "OK Lord, Your car broke down and You know I need it for work and to survive, so You will have to send the money to get it fixed. He answered that prayer every time.

I am praying for you. Read Luke 11:5-12 and take heart.


God's girl said...

Your post is precious in the fact that you have allowed yourself to be so vulnerable, yet willing to hear truth and encouragement from others. I believe we all have an "aching" desire to be EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW that God wants us to be, yet if He gave it all to us right now, oh, we would probably mess it all up!

Hang in there and keep focused on Him. It sounds like your heart is doing just that! Blessings sweet, sweet lady!

Kathy S. said...

Hi Angela, I like your new look. Lonliness, I have come to believe- is part of the walk. I know, I know, it seeeems like people are fulfilled, and certainly we have times when our lives are so full that we don't realize we are lonely. And we have times when we do feel the fulfillment of meaningful relationships...but there are always seasons of lonliness, perhaps for us to keep our relaitonship with the Lord on top. Or to know the joy of the fulfilling times in those seasons.

I have been in the eb and flow of it for quite awhile. God does something in the lonely times. I love the story of Leah, who was rejected by her husband, and with each child the Lord blessed her with she gained some joy and hope, but until Judah was born, she still felt dissatisfied. Judah means "Praise the Lord". It was her expression of the fulfillment she had been looking for. (Liz Curtis Higgs did a teaching on the story at a confrence-wonderful!)

I constantly have opportunity to remind people (including myself :) that it is our "barreness" that God's life is born in us. Think Sarah, Leah, Elizabeth...

Anonymous said...

Okay, so maybe I wouldn't shake you, but I would definitely give you a hug! Don't let yourself forget the amazing freedom we have when we jump. One of the most encouraging/scary verses is 'without faith it is impossible to please Him,' and then there's Isaiah 41:10 and then there's James 1:22-25 and... I can't wait to see what happens next! Thanks so much for being so open, and even vulnerable--how lucky I was to meet you!!! --Ginny