Have you ever been so afraid of failing that you don't even try? I sit waiting for the "big adventure" to begin, but I basically go to work and come home Mon-Thursday with the exception of Bible study Tues. nights..and on the weekends I go to church, which is fun, but two hours don't really make a weekend.
I think part of it is that I don't have extra money for too much fun stuff..and my closest friends are married with newborns so they, while still totally wonderful, have their hands full of poop and breastmilk. And babies. We three have weekly Friday lunches, which have always been fun, but the conversation has declined by leaps and bounds as they have been pregnant, and now new moms. It's amazing, pregnancy, but also can be a little..well, I'm falling asleep just remembering the topics that have taken over our trialogue(?). I guess it's a balancing act to be friends with people who are in completely different phases of life. I mean, I wouldn't give up waitressing for the world, so I'm not feeling like a late bloomer or anything. Not at all. Not. At. All. I just am having a hard time doing fun and wonderful things with my own broke free time. And there aren't too many Christians at work..I know, great mission field..although we just hired a guy named Missy who might just be my new b.f.f.
I want my life to be effective and exciting, but I have to unSTICK myself from my humdrummedness. I did meet a guy at church, but he has a silent "t" at the end of his name and he's a little older than I thought he was. I think I may just stay single. And change my phone number.
Seriously, though, I feel the need for change, but guess what scares me? Change. So how do I push through to the abundant life that is mine to claim by the grace of God?
These here are growing pains. Have any of you gone through this? One example of an issue I am facing is that I have to sign another lease on my apartment, which I LOVE, but doing that means staying at my job for another year, and trying to make ends meet month to month. I know that I am living beyond my means but to step out into something unknown, and to go through the hassle of moving seems horrible. I also waited to long to look for another place, and if I don't resign they will put me at month to month for a higher rent, until I give them 60 day notice. I have been praying for clear direction in this area, but I have to sign or not sign soon, probably by tomorrow. So, I may need to work more hours or find ways to cut back so that I can get out of my credit card debt. I know that God won't abandon me, but I definitely want the life HE has for me, and this isn't it. I want to do more, see more, be less and let him be more. I pretty much want to be in some form of ministry, and I want a family and more friends. I know that I need to hold what I have with open hands to God, and let him take what I don't need. I know he will replace it with things far better. But you know the death grip that, well, dead people have? I may love God, but wow, if I had to give up my computer or my perfectly laid-out kitchen, I somehow have it in my head that life would completely suck. Sometimes I just need someone to shake me.